I'm not Okay

For as long as I can remember I’ve always had this void in my life, 
It’s this empty feeling deep deep inside of you,
that you can’t quite shake - no matter how hard you try.
It sort of consumes and eats away at you, 
You’ll have great happy moments and just when you thought everything was fine - surprise! 
The feeling always comes back, it’s just a matter of time. 

The constant frustration to fill this void, something to ease the pain.
What’s the cause? Nobody knows,
Yet you feel the same sad emptiness every single day
It leaves me feeling so empty and down 
like I’m missing something somehow
something that’s a big part of me
and once I have it, I’ll be happy
I just need that one thing, this missing key,
and when I get my hands on it, I’ll be complete.

I’ve tried everything - friends, education, material stuff,
but no matter how hard I try, it never seems to be enough,
It sucks,
and I know people will say that you just need to be positive,
or the solution to all of your problems is self love
But it’s not as simple as that,
not when you’ve got to the point where you just feel numb.

I so badly want to fill my heart with so much happiness that it takes all the sadness away 
My childhood was so dark and angry that I always thought, in my adult life things would change.
Somehow I would no longer feel the same,
and I don’t, things aren’t as extreme anymore,
but there’s no denying that that feeling is always there - and it’s something I can’t explain.
I just wish it would go away.

I thought that when I grow up things would be different, I just thought…it would be different 

You look at other people and they always look so happy,
You know you observe people’s lives whether that be in person, social media, tv,
and it seems to come to them so naturally 
And I know all of that stuff can be misleading,
but when you feel so down and empty, 
you can’t help but think, why can’t that be me?
Cos you want that, you so desperately want that,
and you feel like you’re doing the right things,
you know you’re having fun with your friends, having late night chats, dancing to silly music 
and in the moment it feels great, you’re in a good happy place,
but that happy feeling always goes away.
and the sad emptiness kicks in again.

Do I sound crazy? god I think I sound so crazy.

These thoughts tend to hit me late at night, 
And that’s when I write, 
sometimes I’m so overcome with emotion that I just cry,
and I don’t know why,
makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me,
It’s so sad to admit, that it becomes easier to lie and act like everything’s fine. 
So that’s what I say, I say I’m fine. 

Events from my past still affect my adult life 
I lash out, feel down out of nowhere and I can’t explain why?
It just gets so messed up in my head sometimes
and there’s no way to escape it, not when it’s all happening in your mind.
and so you just beat yourself up and beat yourself up til you feel so small
you know, you can be in a room full of people and still feel so alone.

I can put on an act and pretend that I’m tough
but deep down I never quite feel brave enough
Sometimes I feel so small in this big big world
That I feel like all I have are my words to keep my sense of control
These poems, they’re like my therapy you know,
a place where I can release and pour out my soul 
In hopes that it’ll make me feel better, and somehow fill this empty hole.

One day I’ll look back and it won’t hurt anymore,
I’ll be able to look back at what happened and not feel so sore
Cos there’s no cure
No way to fix it, it’s just something you learn to live with,
But it’ll get easier, of that I’m sure.

You are not the demons in your mind, 
You are not the hurt and pain, you feel on the inside,
You’re stronger than that, you can fight.
Understand that it’s all temporary and that these things take time.
So chin up, breathe, allow yourself to feel everything there is to feel,
You’re going to get through this,
Give it some time and you’ll heal.

Credits: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=db1a8lT5JlQ