MissDerpDark

I never thought I'd discover something new about myself at 28. And yet, here I am. Learning. I've learned how I want to be loved. I've learned what I deserve. I've learned that my happiness doesn't need to borrow from anyone else. Maybe it sounds late, it probably is. But lately, I've been busy rediscovering myself. and honestly? I've been having so much fun. I have boundaries now, and I honor them. I have friends who love me, and I love them; deeply and fully. And somehow, my heart feels full. So full from loving myself, from being loved by my people. That I no longer feel the need to look for someone to fill in the gaps. I've been doing that for years in past loves, in the old versions of me. But not anymore. Now, I feel grounded. Secure. Content. And it's empowering. Like I'm finally the one holding the wheel of my own life. I don't know about the future, but I hope I carry this feeling with me and make it the standard for every love that ...

Here I am. 1 a.m. My body is asking for rest, but my eyes refuse to listen. There is something restless in me tonight, a quiet insistence, a realization still warm in my chest. This might be the first time I write about happiness without feeling like I'm betraying my pain. I haven't been okay lately. Life didn't fall apart. Only the part where love lives. Grief found me anyway. It settled into my days, made a home in my chest. I learned how to mourn without permission, how to ache without an ending. So I ran from it. I built routines like walls. I tried to rewire my thoughts, distract my heart, outrun the feeling. Anything, as long as I didn't have to sit with it. I wouldn't have survived this without my friends. They didn't try to fix me. They didn't rush my healing. They simply stayed. They let me spill the same stories, again and again, like repetition might finally soften the truth. They celebrated the smallest victories. "Today, I washed the dishe...

Saw a house in flames. So I ran in, dressed for rescue, hands full of good intentions. I thought courage was enough. I thought preparation was enough. But what is saving, if the soul inside does not want to be saved? I burned myself trying to save a burning house. Now I wonder was it ever mine to carry? Was there ever a fire, or only smoke I imagined? Was this the right armor, or was I fighting the wrong kind of danger? Was it not enough? Or was I not enough?

  I feel the distance. You’ve carved with silence. Is it just me? Or is there really space where something once lived? What is  us  exactly? Adhit, You deserve to be loved by someone who knows who you are.  The whole you.  Not an idea.  Not a version.  I thought I could be that person.  Now, I’m not sure anymore.  Now, the happiness no longer outweighs the sad. What is  us  exactly? I stand on an edge.  I don’t know how long I can stay on.  Holding on.  Thinking of letting go.  It’s terrifying down there.  The fall.  The after.  The unknown.  Does that make me the definition of insanity? What is  us  exactly? You were never mine.  I was never yours.  So again, answer me; What is  us  exactly?

What does it mean exactly?  Is it when you are willing to give anything? Is it when you always want to spend your time together? Is it when you can be yourself without the fear that your love gonna be disappointed in you? Is it when you surrend everything you have and everything you are? The concept of "love" is too abstract for me. Barely grasp the idea of what it is. Throughout my 26 years of life,  I thought I've met "love" I thought I've feel "love" I thought I knew "love" I thought I was "love" But, are they all real "love"? If it's the real "love",  Why did it hurt?  How can something that started so beautiful ended up wishing it was never there in the first place? Who is in the fault? "love" itself? Where did you put yourself between you and "love"? When exactly the "love" is not "love" anymore? What are you looking for in "love"? Now, I've come...

December 2020, We met You were once the best thing happened to me that year You were the light in my dark days You gave me something I never felt before Those things remains there, till yesterday February 2021, I made a mistake We decided to break for a while You were still the light in my dark days You still gave me something I never felt before Those things remains there, till yesterday March 2021, You decided to give us another chance  "I'm arrived at your lobby" -the first message after we break.  You brought the light in my dark days You gave me something I never felt before Those things remains there, till yesterday You, The one who I thought would be my forever The one who I thought would never hurt me in purpose The one who I thought would always tell me the truth The one who I always defend in front of my family and friends The one who always in my mind day and night The one who always be there on my darkest day The one who never forgets to say "I love you...

I'm not a great writer. Heck, can't even call myself a writer. But this, is one of my way to express my feeling. -- I never feel this grateful for meeting someone new My life has been dark and twisty You came, like a flash of light Bring out the joy and happiness in your presence and somehow, I smile a lot more So, thank you. It's weird; this feeling you make me Like I found something that I lost, things I didn't even know that I lost them in the first place I feel connected I feel loved So, thank you. Wise man say, only fool rush in But somehow, it doesn't feel like a rush I don't know what does it call what am I feeling right now All I know, I want to feel this feeling you make for the rest of my life So, thank you. It feels overwhelming Like my feelings are through the roof Like you bring the last piece of a puzzle that I've been looking for You make me complete You make me believe, again So, thank you I'm not the type of person who ask people to stay...

They told me that I was meant for the cleaner life that you would drag me through the mud They said that you would tread all over me that they could see right through you that you were full of hot air that I would always be chasing Always watching you disappear after sleeker models that would be a vicious cycle But I know better. I know about your rough edges and I have seen your perfect curves I will fit into whatever space you’ll let me If loving you meant getting dirty, bring on the grime I will leave this porcelain hole behind I’m used to twice a day relationships  but with you I’d take all the time And I know we live in different worlds and we’re always really busy but in my dreams you spin around me so fast I always wake up dizzy So maybe one day you’ll grow tired of the road and roll on back to me and when I blink my eyes into one morning your smile will be the only one I see

The crinkle by your eyes The dimple as you smile The peace within your laugh Things I thought was my home Place where I find peace Turns to be the calm before the storm Now I'm left alone Facing the storm coming in Yet, two hands is all I got I need yours, too

Selalu ada cerita Di balik senjata utama kota Bogor ini Entah tentang kamu yang ngotot untuk berteduh Atau dia, yang ingin menikmati berkah Tuhan bersama Lucu memang, Hal sesederhana memakai jas hujan ponco yang sebenarnya hal biasa jika di lakukan bersama orang lain Tetapi, tidak saat itu Seolah jas hujan menjadi saksi bisu Bahwa rasa bahagia nyata adanya Aneh memang, Ketika rasa rindu dan sedih datang bersama Rindu Mencium wangi yang khas Saat kau melakukan stunt man bodoh mu Lalu, di sadarkan Bahwa rasa ini hanya sementara Dan hujan, Tak pernah terasa sama lagi

Aku senang berlari Kamu senang menggunakan kereta Kadang, lelah menghampiri Jangan lupa berhenti, istirahat Tapi aku yakin, kita sedang sama-sama jalan jika bertemu, jangan lupa Hati-hati, ekspektasi jangan di telan Kecewa sudah jadi teman Kamu yang cepat? Aku yang lambat? Waktu hanyalah konsep yang di ciptakan Seperti juga rasa; hanya konsep Aku tau Aku udah siap Se-siap bulan menggantikan matahari Saat waktunya malam mengganti Gimana, ya?

Dear You, Sorry , if I'm so messed up and have lots of issues Sorry , if it's hard for me to show all my cards on the table Sorry , if I get scared all the time Sorry , if I'm not an easy person to deal with If somehow in the days to come, you ever feel less than what you feel right now; to me; us Please , don't keep it to yourself and find other ways to cover that hole If you have something that don't like about me Please , talk to me about it Despite the consequences of the talk; good or bad Things unsaid will make a time bomb which will explode at no time Thank you for making me happy in a way I haven't felt for quite a long time Thank you for seeing and accepting me for who I am Despite of all my plenteous flaws Thank you for being the place of me being vulnerable You are every hope I've ever had in human form

Japanese method for repairing broken pottery with GOLD Repairing things people disguise to and change it to something that is even more beautiful You, Bring the gold as you smile and simply for being exist, again with your silly little jokes repairing things I disguise to and change it to something that is even more beautiful You, With all the pain world has given you Somehow managed to make GOLD our of it and resuscitate these butterflies repairing things I disguise to and change it to something that is even more beautiful When people say what is broken will forever stay broken, tell them this story.

I just had a really weird dream.. (aren't they all?) Jadi, long story short gue habis ngomongin one of my ex in senior high school to my friend saat di kantor Mungkin jadi kepikiran kali ya, so here it is! Jadi pokoknya tiba-tiba tuh gue udah lari-lari gitu, dikejar hal yang gue kira alien lewating gedung-gedung gitu. dan gue sempet kayak nge- glimpse orang masuk ke satu gedung yang gue rasa sangat aneh cara masuknya Ujung-ujungnya tiba-tiba gue sampe kantor, terus gue ngantor (?) pas pulang kantor gue naik shuttle kantor dan tiba-tiba lewating gedung aneh itu Yaudah dong gue turun disitu, gatau kenapa, rasanya penasaran aja sama gedung itu Terus pas udah turun, gue ngikutin orang yang kemarin masu kke gedung itu Tapi cara masuknya aneh, bukan dari pintu. Gedung itu tuh kayak di tutupin kardus gitu di sekeliling nya dan cara masuknya tuh kayak dari sela-sela kardusnya gitu.. Pasas gue masuk, di dalemnya tuh malah kayak rumah, di sekat sekat gitu ada ruang-ruang d...

- -  "I'm done."  -  nol  -  over it  - - smell perfume breaks a little - -  REPEAT  - - #NowPlaying You and Me - Honne breaks a little - -  REPEAT  - - Pop up in the corner of the screen the stupid game of ours breaks a little - -  REPEAT  - - Love? breaks a little - -  REPEAT  - - "Hey!" breaks a little - -  REPEAT  - - olaf! breaks a little - -  REPEAT  - - shattered into pieces hoping that someday...

Heyyyoo, So, gue kemarin malem habis mimpi random lagi. Yang kata orang biasanya mimpi gitu kalau habis nonton film horror, padahal enggak. Gue sebelum tidur bener-bener gak nonton apa-apa, gue kemarin malem lembur Di kosan sih lemburnya, cuman ya, tetep sampe jam 10 juga buka laptop kantor *sigh Oke, Jadi mimpi nya di mulai dengan gue ngontrak rumah gitu di perumahan jarak antara rumahnya ga terlalu jauh dan ga terlalu deket gitu. Terus, pokoknya gue tuh kayak curiga gitu sama tetangga depan, IDK why Terus yang gue inget, tiba-tiba ada kayak cowok yang lagi dateng bertamu gitu di tetangga depan, tapi dia ngeliatin ke rumah gue terus. Dan gue udah takut kan, kalau dia mau nyulik atau bunuh gue Terus tiba-tiba, somehow someway gue ada pikiran untuk ngejebak dia buat masuk ke perangkap yang gue buat di depan pintu rumah tetangga depan Gue ga inget persis gimana cara gue ngejebak nya Pokoknya dia udah kayak ke cover plastik gitu, terus gue tusuk pake pisau *ini gue dapet...

Powerful word When you are so close You can see the tip of their nose On the edge of the cliff The line in between The beginning and the end Flashing like a light You and I, almost Yet almost is never enough It will never be enough You and I Never enough.

Hey! It's been awhile since I post something that not related to my piteous and dramatic lyfe hahaha So, First of all, gue mau tanya deh Have you ever have a dream that so real, that you thought it was the real life? or so random until you realize (while still dreaming) that it was just a dream? Well, I have! Like many times! From being chased by Zombies or Dinosaur, and once both! or the end of the world, or even only wearing a towel while shopping in a supermarket. I know. It all sounds crazy and funny and weird and I always tell my best friend the moment I woke up from those dreams Today, I just got one of those weird dream and he told me to write it out on my blog *maybe because he's tired hearing my weird dream* But actually that is a good idea, right? I mean... right???????? Okay, here it is Jadi itu semua diawali dengan gue mau berangkat kantor dari rumah di Bogor. *FYI, in real life kalau dari rumah, gue ke kantor itu naik shuttle dari Tanjung Barat...

Since he left for another person She was becoming more fierce She was afraid of nothing Because she felt like she's been through the worst feeling there is And since you, She started to know new kind of fear The fear of losing you And she was wrong, this is the worst feeling there is

It's the simple things you do I just can't get enough of you It's that perfume that you wear and the way you do your hair That I love so much And it's the simple things you say And how in bed we play It's the way you kiss my cheek when you think that I'm asleep I love it so much